“I feel aversion to myself, despite the successes”

It may seem that I am quite successful: a school with a gold medal, a red diploma at a prestigious university, European internships, interesting travels, promising work in Germany, high prosperity. but I feel strong loneliness, contempt and even hatred. Personal life is not going along, in everything I consider myself the worst. If someone shows sympathy-I think he just needs something from me, and I myself am disgusted to him. When close relations with men appeared, I tried to quickly get rid of them: there are many beautiful and worthy women around, but they would still abandon me, causing pain. Complexes about appearance developed in childhood – I was an ordinary child, and then an ordinary girl, but those around me repeated that I was a freak and no one would need it. I was upset, but achieved success in my studies and career, tried to smile and be strong. I thought that if I stop, then I would finally fall. I tried not to pay attention to spiritual wounds, but recently I feel meaningless, I want to quit everything. I get scared. I see no reason to be anymore or seeming to anyone: I am one continuous unbearable pain. This is a pain for useless time, for lost opportunities, for self -hatred. I want to live, but I can’t do it, my existence is poisoned by a complete rejection of myself.

Eugene, it happens, it seems to us that we have missed some opportunities, but in fact we simply were not ready for them. At that moment, we felt not stable enough to overcome difficulties. Opportunities can be considered lost only if we were able to use them. Do not regret what you had no resources for. To acquire skills to cope with life difficulties, to become older, it takes a lot of time and effort.

You realized that you grew up in an unfavorable environment, but today other opportunities that were not in childhood are available to you. For example, you can seek help from a psychologist. No need to assume that you must cope with everything yourself. It is important to recognize the situations in which you need help, and learn to accept it.

The first person who will provide support can be a psychologist. We all need close trusting relationships. Perhaps there will be someone else next to you to whom you will trust your experiences.

It is easy for you to attract the attention and interest of a man – it is more difficult to stay in a relationship, stop evaluating yourself, as others evaluated in childhood. Today you yourself take on the role of

criticism. Reflect on what qualities you could love yourself. For example, obviously, you have a lot of determination and perseverance that helped to achieve goals inaccessible to most of the classmates.

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